On Saturday, I went to my first autograph show, and I got to meet my dream boy/future ex-husband Cole Hamels.
Judy and I drove out to York on Saturday morning and we got to the West Manchester Mall at a little after 1. The line to meet Cole zig-zagged back and forth and looked to be more than 100 people deep, but I guess some of the other people in line were just there with someone else who was getting things signed.
He was very efficient. We couldn’t have waited more than 15 minutes to talk to him. I didn’t get any photos of him because he was tucked into a corner (over by the Macy’s makeup counter and near the exit by the Wal-Mart–NO JOKE) and you couldn’t see him until you were like three people from the table. He was wearing a plain white button down shirt and you can’t tell this on TV, but up close you can see he has the most delicate scattering of freckles. Sigh.
After what seemed like 30 seconds in line Judy and I get up to the table, and I’m sweating like a whore in church and I can’t stop talking because I’m so nervous and it’s so goddamn hot in the mall and I’m handing the man my ticket for the show and all of a sudden OH MY GOD COLE HAMELS IS TALKING TO ME PERSONALLY ME ME ME OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD I COULD REACH OUT AND TOUCH HIS BEAUTIFUL HAIR OH MY GOD.
“Hello! Hi! How are you?”
“Hel-LO! I’m very good! I think I’m going to win the prize for the weirdest thing you’re going to sign today.”
I spread out the banner.
“Oh, yeah?”
“Yes, I made this banner for the Christmas in July game, and I hung it up and no more than 30 seconds after I hung it, I got on Phanavision. It says… [I hold up the top part] ‘Forget diamonds’ [I flip it over so the bottom shows; as I'm flipping it over, I kick the table he's sitting at and it scoots about six inches toward him...oops] ‘Cole is a girl’s best friend.’”
“I remember hearing about this!”
OH MY GOD.
“[gasp] OH MY GOD! Really?”
“Yeah! My uncle came to that game, and he told me about seeing it! I thought it was pretty cool!”
“Wow! Well, I’d love it if you wrote something personal on it. Something silly. Whatever you want.”
“I don’t know…what should I say?”
Judy quietly says, “How about ‘Merry Christmas, ho ho ho!’”
He points at Judy: “Oh, that’s good!”
He writes, “Merry Christmas, ho ho ho, Cole Hamels 35.”
So while he’s writing this, I figure I’ve buttered him up nicely, and I say “I really liked that interview you did with Meech from Bugs and Cranks? [he makes an "oh, yeah" motion with his head, so I figure I'll go for the jugular] The question about getting your degree…that was mine.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m Clare. From the blog?” I’m floundering, here. The people behind me in line are staring hard at me, like, “Move it along, lady!”
“Oh…cool.” [I can tell he doesn't really remember what I'm talking about. BUT...I hold out my hand to shake.]
“Well, it was wonderful to meet you. Good luck next season!” We shake hands. It is an excellent handshake. Very solid, but not overwhelmingly so.
“Thanks! Nice to meet you too!”
“Thanks a lot!”
The entire transaction couldn’t have taken more than 90 seconds. But Cole was absolutely adorable and charming and I couldn’t believe how kind and sweet and OH MY GOD SOOOO PRETTY IN REAL LIFE SO SO SO SO VERY PRETTY. He has just the most beautiful eyes. I think even Judy was a little starstruck, and nothing fazes her.
Some random thoughts on the experience:
- I thought the turnout was pretty weak. He zoomed through the people in line. When it was our turn, there were very few people in line behind us. I thought about getting out of line and going to the back so we could chat with him without being rushed along. I’m sure that if he were at Fort Washington or Valley Forge he would have been mobbed, and we wouldn’t have had such a nice encounter with him.
- When we got up to the table, he was telling a funny story about how the kids that came to his house on Halloween didn’t want the candy he was handing out–they wanted autographs. Ha ha ha ah ha ha, everybody laugh.
- When I mentioned that I had the weirdest thing he’d sign all day (everyone else had shirts, balls, jerseys, bats, baseball cards, photos–the usual) the authenticator sitting to his left said derisively, “That’s not the weirdest thing. Carlton signed an urn for somebody.” Cole, Judy, the other authenticator, and I all went, “Whaaaat?!” He continued, “Yeah, when the guy dies, he wants his ashes to be in the urn that Carlton signed.”
- After we walked away from the table and I folded up the sheet, I turned to Judy and said, really really loudly in the atrium of the mall, “JUDY! WE JUST MET COLE HAMELS!!!” I’m quite sure he heard me.
(Today, the “bitches ain’t shit” gets a day off.)
November 13, 2007 at 12:25 pm
Good stuff, Clare. I’m going to assume that was the one and only time he was complemented for that interview.
I ex-peshially like how they gave you a Certificate of Authenticity for that — like anyone would think you forged a “Merry Christmas, HO HO HO” message from Cole Hamels on a bedsheet.
November 13, 2007 at 12:30 pm
Clare: That’s awesome!
I once did one of those autograph things for Jeter (I know!). What can I say, I was a deluded 17 year old, and it was only 20 min. from my house. However, when we got there, it was a mob scene, no line, just a huge throng of people surrounding the door. Scary.
November 13, 2007 at 1:02 pm
Great story.
It is tough to frame a banner.
What did Judy have signed?
November 13, 2007 at 1:09 pm
TSW, I know…particularly when the banner is a king-size flat sheet! After he signed it I was like, “Shit…now what am I going to do with this thing? I don’t have a TV room or a sports bar to hang it in.”
Judy didn’t have him sign anything. I wanted her there for moral support, but she’s a Phillies phan too–we went to like six or seven games together this year. Judy is such a good sport.
November 13, 2007 at 1:19 pm
i hope you also celebrated with the cole hamels dance
November 13, 2007 at 2:46 pm
This is capital A Awesome! And good call from Judy on what he should sign.
You could always fold it up with the signature being what is shown in the frame. Then whenever someone asks about it you could open it up and show them the whole thing. Of course this is assuming you’re able to fit it in a frame.
November 14, 2007 at 4:17 pm
This is fan-freaking-tastic!
…how does one go about finding out about signings, anyway?
And…your mention of freckles made me die a little inside.
November 14, 2007 at 8:07 pm
this kind of makes me forgive cole like alot.
that ho ho ho is priceless.
November 15, 2007 at 11:31 pm
Cole gains back some points with me for this. He had been in the red points-wise after the primadonna stuff at the end of the season. But being awesome to Clare puts him back in the black.
November 18, 2007 at 11:20 pm
Yeah, I’d like to know how to find out about these signings too. I was away that weekend, so I wouldn’t have been able to go anyway.
July 30, 2008 at 11:46 am
I totally felt like I was there. This story made me happy. Especially the part about kicking the table. That is totally something I would do.